The following scroll contains messages which are considered to be the best of the most recent WWIVnet Oracle responses, as judged by the Seers of the Oracle. For more information on using the Oracle, write to ORACLE@4079 and put the word "HELP" in the title of the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00411) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 11:33:50 A 01/27/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh Wise Oracle, Tell me the answer... Is it true that Richard Gear froze gerbils, stuck them in condoms, and shoved them up his ass so that when they unfroze and were still kicking he would get off on it? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Dear Sir, Dear Sir, Your message has been intercepted en route by the Ethics Police. Due to the content of your message, it was deemed necessary not to allow it to reach its destination. The possible effects of such a message making it into the Scrolls and then being made publically available is simply unthinkable. And take that Oracle guy for instance. Just who does he think he is!? He doesn't know anything. Why just the other day I asked him if lizard droppings were nutritious and tasty. When he answered yes (and I know from experience that the answer is no), I asked how he knows the answer. I asked if he had any imperical data to back that up. And you know what he did? Do you? I'll tell you. He ed me. Where's the democracy?!? What a moron!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ===========ORACLE INTERCEPT============ Message intercepted en route back to author by the Oracle Administration. Due to the content of the Ethics Police reply, this message has been intercepted and edited for the well being of the recipient. The new version of the message follows below: Dear Sir, Your message has been intercepted en route by the Ethics Police. Due to the content of your message, it was deemed necessary not to allow it to reach its destination. The possible effects of such a message making it into the Scrolls and then being made publically available is simply unthinkable. And take that Oracle guy for instance. Just who does he think he is!? He knows everything. Why just the other day I asked him if lizard droppings were nutritious and tasty. When he answered yes (and I know from experience that is the correct answer), I asked how he knows the answer. I asked if he had any imperical data to back that up. And you know what he did? Do you? I'll tell you. He patted me on the back for a job well done. Where's the complimentary lollypop? What a nice guy!!!! ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00412) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:10:22 P 01/31/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: tell me Oh wonderful and wise oracle, who knows not the meaning of the words "receeding hairline", let me bask in the goldenrays of your infinite knowledge. tell me please, oh omnipotent one, how licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll-pop? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Well..... There have been many who have tried to answer that very question, and all have failed. But I have started funding a research project to come to an answer that I can give to you humble supplicants. Let's take a stroll through the lab. Hello there, What is your name? I'm George. I lick tootsie pops. That's nice. Can you tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center? No. Why not!?! That's what we're paying you to find out! Well....... I don't like tootsie pops. Why not!?! We're PAYING you ro like them. Well....... They give me the piles. You're fired. Next!! Hello, can you tell me how many licks... YES!!! I have reached the center!!! I have done it!!! It is marvelous!! Look at that!! What a sight!!! What was the question? How many licks..... OH YES!!! I lost count... You're fired!!!!!!!! Well, as you can see it may take quite some time to unlock the hidden truths of various candies. But the world will have to wait. True science can not be rushed. You owe the Oracle a pre-licked tootsie pop. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00420) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 15:10:31 P 01/31/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: can you tell me.. [Regarding]: Boba Fett in the comic book [MsgStatus]: Please Reply. the best way to learn these nets? My 14 yr old daughter can run aound on them like a pro! And she has to use my computer and only recently learned how to use it. This is getting very bad for parents around the world (or at least me anyway) Can you recommend any good tutorial files-besides December's;couldt understand them. Oh Wise and Wonderful Oracle-please help clear this muddied mind of mine which can only see the local LAN. (How will you know who's mind is muddied?) Thus spake the Oracle: Title: ........... It is a well-proven fact that children are much better at technical tasks than adults. For many years parents have experienced the frustrations of watching their children succeed where they continue to fail at programming VCR's, hooking up TV's, and assembling stereo systems. Recently scientists have started taking advantage of this. By utilizing the potential technical abilities stored in children, they've managed to speed up they're research by three fold. The children are simply better at doing the mathematical equation solving, and working with high-tech cutting edge electronic equipment. So don't feel bad that your child is exceeding your abilities, instead be glad that your child has the potential to make important scientific discoveries, at least until she becomes an adults. You owe the Oracle a small LAN. Actually, make that a big LAN. Even a lamb would suffice. Nah, it would have to be three to replace a LAN. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00423) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 20:56:59 P 03/06/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh, great oracle.. tell me.. Oh great oracle, tell me what I need to know. I know I am unworthy, but I ask your forgivance in asking my question! How would you go about asking someone on a date creatively, O Oracle? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Hmmmm. [Regarding]: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000423) [MsgStatus]: No Reply Necessary. This is a toughie, but, being all-present and all-of-that, I of course know the answer. Wait a minute...what was the question? Hahaha...fooled you, didn't I? Thought you'd caught The Oracle, didn't you? HA! Well, I know for a fact that you wanted to know how to ask someone out on a date. And not just ASK them, as in "Hey Babe/Studmonkey, wanna go get something to eat or sumpin' like that," but something CREATIVE, like "I want to wrap my tongue around your tonsils. But please! Control your passion! I insist that we engage in foreplay by watching 'Ishtar' first." or "Come to me, my sweet, my suckling honeydew upon the vine! Shower me with your sugary kisses and rub your succulent plums all over me!" or "We'll make beautiful music together! Come with me to the Cas-bah!" (a classic The Oracle used with *astounding* success in the courting of a scrumptiously curvy crystal ball, many years ago...let's just say it was *beyond* shattering, and leave it at that, eh?) Anyway, to ask a person out on a date, and do it with *flair*, and *style*, and FINESSE, you must know something about them. Know something you can USE. Whether or not they have a mole on their butt is COMPLETELY inconsequential. If they like squid, though, fine. THAT'S something you can use. Presumably, you like squid too, because if you ask this person out and want to get anywhere with them, you're going to have to actually stuff a squid in your mouth at one point. There's no getting around it. Don't ask a squid-lover out if you can't stand the squirmy things. That's what I'm saying here. Do I make myself clear? Excellent. Also, a good thing to remember when on a date...DO NOT ask the waiter if you can have a WetWipe. It's usually not worth the trouble it takes to explain it to people. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00429) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:00:26 P 03/06/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: ORACLE Please o great one, what be thy answer to mine humble query? Mine question is this: What canst thou do when thy BBS crashes and will not boot correctly? Me thinks it had something to do with mine spilt ale upon the keyboard, if that helps thee arrive at thine answer... Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Oh silly mortals... your Lilliputian conundrums never fail to pique my interest. As usual you humans are spared the incredible complexities of the universe and, with your limited grasp on reality, often jump to the completely improper conclusions when using your miniscual reasoning facilities. You believe that your computer is not working because you have poured ale into your keyboard. Well, from the two pieces of evidence available to you, the conclusion sounds resonable. However, with my superior powers of observation, it is plain to me that you don't *really* know how a computer works. Let me explain. A computer is like a small third world latin american country on dirt, err... earth... (whatever). And in this country you have a number of different states which each contain cities which each contain citizens. Some of the various states in your computer probably include the Hard Drive, The (North and South) Floppy Drives, The Mouse, The Monitor, and The Keyboard. Your problem comes from the fact that you have given the Keyboard state benifits (free booze) that the other states have not received. Now the other states are disturbed with your form of government. You now have two options: 1) Give everyone free ale, the Motherboard, the Floppy Drives... Everyone. Then they will all be equal and happy. 2) Declare Martial Law and shoot any parts that don't work. You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "The Prince." ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00425) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:01:31 P 03/06/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Oh Mystic Oracle, Tell me... Reply : Requested Oh magnificent, omnipotent, and never impotent oracle, please impart upon thy groveling underling a miniscule micron of thy vast knowledge that spans beyond even the farthest reaches of the national debt. Tell me why man can create nuclear weapons that can destroy every living being on the face of the planet, and how the same species can create something as harmless as SPAM? Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Re: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000425) RE: The Oracle requires an answer (EORA000425) I bring you the wisdom of the ages, and in so doing I answer your request. As I peer through the mists of time, to that fateful day when atomic energy was first produced, I and I alone, can see the cosmic balance shifting toward the forces of chaos. Yea, verily, the exact moment when the forces of the atom are unleashed, SPAM itself is imbued with theretofore unknown powers. You have hit upon the secret of SPAM's longevity, both in popularity as well as in the can, the secret being that SPAM is imbued with the powers of order in order to counteract the forces of chaos which were released. As long as you have the weapons of mass destruction, so too will you have SPAM, to protect and guide the human race through the dangers and uncertainty which lie in the future. This leads to the only warning that I, the all-knowing Oracle, will give you. Do not attempt to split SPAM atoms, as the conflict might cause really not-nice things to happen. ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00427) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:01:54 P 03/06/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Re: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: [REPLY FROM]: O omniscient ORACLE, tell me the answer to this: Wise, Glorious, Wonderful Oracle! May your Camel never die! This poor unworthy one asks you to bring forth from your never-ending fount of knowledge the answer to this troubling and annoying question... Do rhinos REALLY stomp out fires? Many thanks! May mosquitos never sting you again! May your hard drive never die! Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Ahhh...... Well, yes and no. Rhinos are actually quiet good at stomping on all sorts of things, including fires. The problem lies in their ability to recognize fires. In version 1.0 of BioSphere(tm), rhinos could not detect fires at all. Since then many bugs have been corrected, but many 1.0 rhinos still exist. Natural selection hasn't removed all of them since they rarely encounter fires. In version 2.0 rhinos could detect fires, but only when no more than one were within visual distance. this was corrected in 2.1, but rhinos still had trouble from telling the difference between fires and colorful sand patterns. Even the latest version, 3.0, still can only correctly identify fires 50% of the time. You owe the Oracle a users manual for BioSphere(tm). ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Oracle Response (OR00424) From: The Oracle (Chosen by: Keeper of the Scrolls) Date: 21:02:02 P 03/06/94, Oracle Time. You said unto the Oracle: Title: Tell Me Oh great and all knowing Oracle, tell me why has man decided to put Cheese in A Can? I just don't understand. It confuses me. Thus spake the Oracle: Title: Cheese eh? Well, cheese has been put in cans ever since cans were invented, even though cheese wasn't invented until a few centuries later. The reasno why cheese was put into can was simply because they knew not what else to do with the cans. At first cans were madse of lead, and cheese absorbed lead quite effectively. After half the worlds population became clinically insane, cans were made from tin. After all, only an insane man would make a tin can. This however cured the problem of insanity due to lead poisoning. Unfortunately the cheese was less flavorful without the metal contaminants, so aluminum cans were invented, since aluminum is also easily absorbed by cheese, and isn't as poisonous. You owe the Oracle a lead can of cheese (the best high available!) ---- * WWIVnet Oracle (C) 1993 Ed T. Toton III, All Rights Reserved.